How to play poker with a 3-year-old

I have to admit: being a parent requires developing a pretty good poker face.

Over the few years I’ve know my 3-year-old, I’ve had to perfect the art of calling his bluffs — and not letting him call mine.

Every once in a while — due to frustration or being tired or, well, sheer desperation — I make threats I know I won’t follow through on, promise things I don’t really want to give and over all, get myself too far into the game with a weak hand.

[Really?? If I quit screaming "poop out of my butt" in the Target checkout line, then Mommy will let me have this King Size Snickers bar even though it breaks all the rules of good parenting???]

And so, here are my main rules of playing poker with a 3-year-old.

Disclaimer: All poker players are different. These rules have been built from years of playing with my miniature opponent. Also, I really don’t know anything about poker.

Rule #1: Always call a toddler’s bluff at dinner time.

My toddler’s favorite food is bread. And sugar, but for the sake of this conversation, we’ll stick to bread. So often times, our game of poker goes like this:

Me: What do you want to eat, honey?

Toddler: A tortilla.

Me: How about a tortilla and cheese?

Toddler: No, just a tortilla. Flat.

Me: Well can you eat a banana or some dinosaur nuggets first?

Toddler: No, just a tortilla.

Me: I need you to eat something healthy first, honey.

Toddler: A TORTILLA IS HEALTHY!!!!!!!! I WANT A TORTILLA!!!!!!!!! FLAAAATTTTT!!!!!

Me: I would love to give you a tortilla. As soon as you eat a banana or dinosaur nuggets.

Toddler: NO BANANA OR DINOSAUR NUGGETS!!! JUST. A. TORTILLLLLAAAA!!!!

Me: (Unphased.) When you’re ready to eat something healthy, just let me know.

[2 minutes of silence.]

Toddler: (realizing I had four aces) … Can I have some dinosaur nuggets?

This poker game is one that I have mastered. My 3-year-old has a predictable bluffing pattern for dinner-time poker, so I know that if I hold out long enough, he will fold. And Mommy will prevail. The key to dinner-time poker is maintaining a calm demeanor, offering likeable alternatives — and in the end, knowing that you have the upper-hand: food.

Rule #2: Always call a toddler’s bluff at potty time.

My son is fairly new to the fully potty-trained club, as of a couple months ago. So when his extra-large chocolate milk at a restaurant meets our extra-long car trip home, I know that it’s time to go potty. Even if he bluffs that he doesn’t have to. The trick here is taking him before it’s time to leave so that I can use that as part of my bluff. It’s all very scientific.

Me: OK, let’s go potty before we have to get in the car.

Toddler: I don’t have to go potty.

Me: That’s OK. Let’s just go try since we have to leave soon and will be in the car for awhile.

Toddler: I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go potty.

Me: That’s fine, but let’s just go try.

Toddler: I don’t want to.

Me: Well, we can go potty now and stay a bit longer — or we can just leave right now. Which one would you like?

Toddler: (seeing that I just laid down a “straight flush”) … Go potty.

I find that offering rewards that are things we’re going to do anyway, like “stay a bit longer,” or “order dessert” is a great way to motivate. {Motivation, people! Not bribery! Ahem.}

Rule #3: Let him win when it doesn’t matter.

Toddlers hear “no” a lot. Which is mostly necessary, because left to his own devices, my toddler would run around wearing underwear on his head, flailing Daddy’s power drill and eating spoonfuls of brown sugar all day. I guess I don’t really care about the underwear on the head part — but the power drill might be a little disconcerting when neighbors stop by.

However, I find that if I let my toddler win when it doesn’t matter — then he’s a better sport when I have the better hand. And plus, sometimes he’s just right.

Toddler: Mommy, can we go swimming?

Me: (nursing a baby, needing to clean the house and fold clothes and make lunch and.. and.. and….) Sure, baby.

Toddler: (surprised by his great hand) WE CAN?????!! YAY!!!!!!

This game is best — because really, we both win.

Stay tuned for my next How-to series titled, “How to play Hide and Sleep with a newborn.”

It involves hiding and sleeping while Daddy takes care of the kids.

Lots of strategy in this one.

“You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”

– Kenny Rogers